Fashion Reprieve

Over the past three months I've learned to do many things using just my left hand. To type, for example. However, there are several things I can't do. One of them is to clip the fingernails on my left hand; another is to tweeze my eyebrows. I have Darling Husband for clipper duty, but given the lingering pain around my broken facial bones, I'm not letting anyone near my face except my osteopath--and he makes sure I've had a couple Valium before he even attempts an acupuncture treatment there.

What to do? Fall is just around the corner, and with it comes the desire to be Fashion Forward--or at least not backward. Happily, yesterday The New York Times came to my rescue with a style piece, "Throw Your Tweezers Away." Seems that once again Fashion has caught up to me; or rather circled around and nipped me from behind. In other words, shaggy eyebrows à la 1978 Brooke Shields are back IN.

This is very convenient for me: All I have to do is keep doing nothing. Oh, and try not to shriek with laughter at the description of and ludicrous prices for the services of a "professional eyebrow groomer," including--are you ready?--eyebrow extensions. Here's another product of which I was blissfully ignorant and can't grasp the need for: clear mascara.

Last week, one of the Denver papers announced the return of 1980s "retro" fashions, and breathlessly forecast that women would be showing off their "well-toned thighs" in tight leggings topped by a tunic. Ha! Anyone who's been to a downmarket shopping center lately knows that style never faded away, and is particularly favored by the grossly overweight.

I suppose pretty soon we'll be seeing long, baggy jackets with enormous shoulder pads again too. Which reminds me: Circa 1985, I was at a party at the home of a friend's parents. The host introduced his cousin, a short, rotund, yet flat-chested woman attired in just such a jacket (in a loud print, if memory serves). Never one to mince words--or lower his voice--the host boomed, "If you ask me, those pads are in the wrong place!" We will draw a discreet veil over what ensued.