Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Could Have Written That Book!

Over the long weekend, Darling Husband took me to Barnes & Noble to redeem a gift card that a friend sent me. On a bargain table I espied Better Homes & Garden's 3 Steps to Weight Loss.

"Huh!" I said to DH. "Three steps? That's easy!" I rattled them off, as follows:
  1. Smash up your mouth so you can't bite with your front teeth or chew anything harder than a Cheez-It.
  2. Smash up your arm so you have to eat using your non-dominant hand.
  3. Take medications that screw up your gut.
Here are the allowed foods:
  • Yogurt
  • Kefir (like runny yogurt)
  • Cottage cheese (like chunky yogurt)
  • Tzatziki (made with yogurt)
  • Hummus
  • Baba ghanouj
  • Refried beans
  • Eggs
  • Chopped or shredded meat
  • Soup or stew (if w/ meat, must be very soft)
  • Tomatoes, cut small
  • Strawberries, ditto
  • Lettuce, ditto
  • Tuna salad with minced onion/scallion/celery
  • Mashed potatoes
  • Rice
  • Applesauce
  • Ice cream (w/ no nuts or hard chunks)
  • Pudding (preferably Kozy Shack Tapioca or Chocolate)

Voila! Sure-fire weight loss.

I've been following this regimen and have lost almost 20 lbs in just two months. And with no end in sight to my mouth and arm problems, I'm likely to continue a good while longer. Just 20 more pounds and I'll be back to my high school graduation weight. (I still have the dress I wore and it's in style again...)

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